Two weeks ago, I was driving my neighbor's kiddos to school, as I do two or three mornings a week. Everyone was in an overly cheery mood, maybe because it was a Friday. Nate was goofy, Natalee was singing with the radio, Isaac was carrying on silly conversations, and Josh was super talkative. We pulled into the parking lot and dropped them off at the front door. Nate said, "Goodbye," as I sent them off with, "Have a great Friday!" We pulled out of the parking lot, turned back onto Hwy 36, and as I approached the 50mph school speed limit sign, I reached toward the dial to turn the radio back up.
"...blessed be the name of the Lord,
blessed be Your glorious name.
You give and take away,
you give and take away..."
Immediately, my mind flashed back. It was mid-June. Nate and I had run some errands, as we normally do on Fridays. We had just turned into our neighborhood, and he was being rather goofy, so I asked him to sing with me. I reached toward the dial to turn the radio up, and began singing:
"Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be your name.
Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be your glorious name.
You give and take away, you give and take away.
My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name."
As I belted out the words I have sung thousands of times before, everything went silent. No longer could I hear the radio or my own voice. No longer did I hear the hum of the air conditioner or the slight grinding noise as I pushed the brakes. No longer did I feel Nate kicking the back of my seat or hear his giggling and trying to sing from the backseat. Everything went silent around me, except for one very clear audible voice.
"Will you still bless My name?"
"Whoa! I'm sorry, what?" "Will you still bless My name? If I take away, will you still bless My name?" "Ummmm, God, what exactly are you asking me?" "I said, if I take away, will you still bless My name?" "Ok, God. You can't take away my husband." "No, you can have your husband." "Ok, God. I love my little man with everything in me. Please, you can't have him." "No, you can keep Nate." Then my stomach began to churn. I thought of the teeny tiny life that was growing inside of me. We had been trying to our second child for almost a year, and nothing was happening. Just five short weeks before, we had found out we were pregnant. We were so filled with surprise and joy. "No, God! No! You finally gave us another child! You can't take our baby away! You can't!" "Yes, Jennifer. Yes, I can. This baby is mine. It is not yours to have. I need to teach you something. I know you love this baby, and you have wanted this baby for a long time. But I have wanted to have you longer....to have you fully, and I don't have that. This precious little life...it is mine. You will not have this baby."
Tears were streaming down my face and my vision was so clouded I had to pull the car over. The music continued:
"You give and take away, you give and take away.
My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name."
I was SO angry! How could God tell me He was going to take my baby? I couldn't hear the words to the song. My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name??? Uh, no! Not a chance!
I had all evening to think about this, and with each passing minute, my bitterness grew and my heart hardened. God could not do this to me! Our first doctor appointment wasn't for five more weeks. And for the next five weeks, I argued with God...arguments filled with pain and tears. I knew that God was going to do what He wanted, I just didn't like His plan. As we got ready, five weeks later, to enter the doctor's office, I knew. I had spent the last five weeks in denial. We began moving the furniture into what would be the nursery, we bought a bassinet, and I even bought fabric that I was going to use to begin making crib bedding. This was my baby, and I was going to have it! I knew, deep inside though, that I was terribly wrong. As as I heard the doctor's words, it became a painful reality. We left the doctor's office, and my heart was filled with anger and hatred. I had convinced myself that my God really wouldn't do something like this to me. I spent the next week letting my children's minister know I would no longer be teaching my Sunday School class, and letting the pastor know that Bobby and I could no longer be small group leaders. If God was going to do this to me, then I could throw it right back...I just wouldn't do for Him anymore.
After a few weeks of "healing" (ok, more like a few weeks of heart-hardening), I turned the radio in the car back to the Christian station. I had decided pretty soon after our doctor appointment that I didn't want another "God speaking" incident, so I just tuned out His music. When I turned the radio back, another song came on that I have heard and sung countless times. Though I had heard the words before, it was as if God slowed down the song so much this time, that each word had minutes to sink into my heart:
"What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life,
is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy...
Then it was as if pieces of the shell began to crack, and then crumble, around my heart. And as God chipped away, one small piece at a time, I began to realize something. God didn't want to take my baby away! God didn't want to hurt me, or make me angry! God wanted ME! He wanted me to thirst for Him with a thirst I had never felt before. He wanted me to realize that He is the only thing that will satisfy. And in order to teach me that lesson, in order to reveal such a great thirst to me, He had to take away. He had to bring me to my knees, to my lowest point, and help me understand that though I may have nothing else, though everything else may vanish, though He take away, I should have such a thirst for Him that my heart CHOOSES to bless His name!
"What if trials of this life,
the pain, the storms, the hardest times,
are your mercies in disguise."
Mercies in disguise...it all made sense now. It had to hurt, it had to be painful. But through all of that, God was being merciful to me. God was drawing me closer to Himself, teaching me that He, alone, is sovereign. Looking through the eyes of pain, hatred, and bitterness all I could see was a horrible selfish God. But as God opened my eyes and wiped all the hatred and bitterness away, I began to see a God who was merciful and loving...yes, even through the trials and painful storms. And in reality, it was that love and mercy that took me through the storm in the first place.
Suddenly my surroundings changed. I was once again driving toward that 50 mph school speed limit sign on Hwy 36. What had seemed like an eternity was really only a split second flashback. The music continued:
"...my heart will choose to say,
Lord, blessed be your name.
This was the first time I had heard this song since my encounter with God back in June, and I had a choice to make: I could turn off the radio, argue with God once again and tell Him he couldn't take away from me, or I could remember the painful struggle, the heartache and the trial, and praise God for the work He had performed in my heart.
So, I turned up the radio and belted out (completely off key, with sobbing between the words):
"You give and take away,
You give and take away.
My heart will CHOOSE to say,
Lord, BLESSED BE YOUR NAME!!!!!"
From the backseat, in the sweetest little two-year-old voice, I heard, "Mommy, you ok?" And with tears of joy flowing down my cheeks, and an honesty that had never before flowed from my heart, I said, "Yes, Nate. Mommy's ok!"
No comments:
Post a Comment