We have a very long road ahead of us, but we know that God will provide in ways we never dreamed possible. As we begin our new adventure, I will keep you updated each step of the way through this adoption page. Please join us on this journey, and pray that God will keep our faith strong, our doubts gone, our eyes focused and our enemy far away!
A Beautiful Surrender
Have you
ever experienced a time when your heart was so heavy with something
God wanted you to do, but you just couldn't bring yourself to break
through what felt like a brick wall, mortared in front of you? Or
what if God impressed upon your heart a calling and you, in your
not-so-infinite wisdom, decided to take it upon yourself to “change”
or “tweak” His directions to “better suit” your
circumstances?
I'd like
to share with you a lesson I learned this past weekend. I don't mean
for this to be selfish, but as I attended a ladies conference at
church, I began to hear God speak to me as though I was the target of
each and every speaker. Please join me on my journey through seven
different women of the Bible, and the words that resounded in my
heart as I listened in each session.
Mary-Magdalene
had a job to do. Her role was to prepare Jesus' body for burial.
She had all the spices and fragrances necessary in her arms as she
walked toward the tomb. She was prepared to complete the task
assigned to her, but when she arrived at the tomb there was something
in her way: a huge stone. This stone was massive, way too large for
her to move, but there it was, preventing her from carrying out her
job. Then God spoke. “What is your stone? What is it that
appears to be standing in your way? What are you using as an excuse
for completing the task I have given to you?” See, this is where I
am going to have to back up and give you some (ok, maybe a lot) of
background information. When I was in high school, God gave me this
crazy passion for the girls around me. But not just any ordinary
girls; girls who had become pregnant and decided to have abortions.
As I finished high school and went through college, my heart began to
yearn for these babies...babies who would never have a voice to speak
for themselves. After college, I got married, began teaching school,
found out we were pregnant ourselves, had a baby, and became a
stay-at-home mom. Life was peachy; then God started knocking again.
“What about those babies, Jennifer?” “God, now's not the right
time. I already have a little baby of my own.” And that was the
end. I chose to tune Him out. Then about a little over a year ago,
Bobby and I decided it was time to have another child. I remembered
God's call, and I began to research adoption. It was there that I
found my stone; a stone valued between $10,000 and $35,000! It was
also there that I left my stone and walked away, not fully realizing
until now that Mary-Magdalene was never asked to move the stone
herself. God moved the stone for her.
Mary and
Martha were complete opposites. Martha was very orderly, organized,
in charge, and extremely Type-A (much like myself!). She had her
little checklist and by the end of the day, everything better be
checked off! Mary, on the other hand, was more laid-back. She
wasn't so concerned with the tidiness of her home, or whether
prep-work was completed for dinner. It was very easy for her to stop
everything, put it aside, so that she could sit at the feet of Jesus.
So Martha whined. “Why isn't she helping me? I have all this
work to do and she's just sitting there. Jesus, make her help me!”
Jesus answered her, “Martha, Mary has made the better choice.”
I have heard this story SO many times growing up in church, and each
time it has had the same message to me. But this weekend I heard a
different message. This weekend God needed to teach me something
different. See, Martha's work wasn't bad. All her planning and
preparation wasn't for naught and Jesus wasn't chastising her for
cooking dinner and cleaning the house. Jesus was trying to help her
understand that all her work became useless, though, when it became a
distraction. Her work was good, it was Godly. But Jesus couldn't
use it if she took the reigns in her own hands to try to please the
Master, instead of focusing on Him and doing what He asked. My, how
this hit home. I guess I need to go back again. See, after I did my
research on infant adoption, and realized the cost, I turned away
again and left it behind me. We continued with our attempts to have
another child, and it just wasn't happening. That is when we began
to hear all these great things about fostering to adopt or adopting
children who were awaiting placement. So I began to research it. As
I continued my research, a rush of excitement blew over me! I found
out that when adopting through the State of Texas, there are no crazy
costs, just all your home inspections and the costs of your final
court hearing. “Ok, God! I'm here! I'm listening. You called me
to adopt and this is it! We can afford this!” But deep inside, I
knew this wasn't THE plan. We contacted an adoption agency, and
began filling out all the initial paperwork (application, background
checks, etc.). As we completed all of those things, we scheduled our
orientation meeting. We had convinced ourselves that this was what
God wanted from us! But then things changed. Monday of orientation
week, we made a rare discovery. We found out that after close to a
year of trying to have another baby, we were pregnant! As a result,
we put the adoption papers in a file drawer, and closed it. We
decided that we needed to wait. But what we didn't realize (and
wouldn't understand for a while) was that God had closed that drawer,
because it wasn't ever a drawer He told us to open. See, we took
matters into our own hands. We couldn't move that big, heavy, highly
expensive stone to follow God's call, and we got distracted. We took
our eyes off of Him and decided to “re-write” His plan. We would
still be adopting, just not the way He told us to. It was still
good, right? At least, that's what I kept telling myself. But then
the drawer closed. Actually, it slammed...God slammed it square
between my eyes. Maybe not literally, but that's how it felt when I
heard the doctor's words, “I'm sorry. I've looked and looked, but
I can't find a heartbeat anywhere,” as she shut off the ultrasound
machine. Almost 14 weeks pregnant, we went to see our beautiful baby
for the first time. We saw our little one's arms and hands, with
slight outlines of fingers. We saw the legs and feet, the outline of
the head. But in all the beauty, something wasn't there. Life; life
was missing. Just as quick as our excitement came just a few months
earlier, it vanished into a mass of tears. And as I saw that picture
of my baby that I'd never be able to hold and cherish, I thought of
all the mom's who decided they didn't want that life inside of them,
and took it away. I got angry. I knew this was going to
happen...God had tried to tell me for the past two months, but I
didn't listen to Him. Why couldn't I have my baby that I wanted with
all my heart, yet all these women, old and young, can choose to end
the lives of theirs? It hurt with a pain I've never felt before.
After a few days passed, God began to tug on my heart. “Why did you
think you could do a better job? Why did you think your plans were
better than mine? Does that make you any different than those young
girls whom your heart used to yearn for?” And let me just say that
God hitting you with a 4x4 while you're already angry with Him is a
terrible combination. “Jennifer, I called you to do something and
you didn't do it.” “Yes, God. We contacted the agency, we
filled out the papers, and we set up out first meeting, and you took
away my baby!” “Yes, you did. But even though that was a good
thing, you got distracted. That wasn't what I asked you to do. You
looked around you at the circumstances of life, and you decided to
take matters into your own hands. You took your eyes off of me, and
I had to do something to bring your focus back.” In the midst of
all the “whys,” I learned a valuable lesson I will never forget.
See, I realized (though painful as it was) that God needed to wake
me up. And He would do whatever it took to return my focus to
Himself; His call. Unfortunately, that meant taking away the very
thing I wanted the most.
Esther
was an incredible woman. She was a young jewish orphan girl when
first introduced to us in the Bible. She wasn't wanted, wasn't
loved, wasn't needed. But her uncle, Mordecai, was drawn to take her
in. Years later, she was called into the king's presence with many
other young teenage girls, so he could choose a new queen. Through
God's divine plan, Esther was given more attention than the other
young women, so much so that the king was without question when
choosing his new queen. Esther became queen and Mordecai became the
keeper of the gate, a very high responsibility in the kings palace.
But there was a man, Haman, who was just above Mordecai in command.
And Haman knew a secret, that the king was unaware of. He knew of
Mordecai's Jewish origin. As a result of many happenings, Haman had
a decree written to have all the Jew's killed, and the king granted
it. Then the king was made aware of the Jewish origin of his own
wife, Esther. Esther, with insurmountable courage, jumped over
obstacles that should have taken her life. But God spared her and
allowed her to help save herself and her Jewish people, God's chosen
people. Esther, a Jewish orphan. Those words hit me hard. In those
days, an orphan was worthless, unimportant, unneeded, and thrown to
waste. I began to think of all the little tiny babies; babies that
would never see this world because somebody viewed them as worthless,
unimportant, unneeded and decided to throw them to waste. God asked
me, “What if Mordecai hadn't taken Esther in? What if Mordecai
hadn't followed my call on his life to care for his niece? What if,
Jennifer? What if?” Then I began to ask God, “What if, God?
What if one of those young women back in high school hadn't have
aborted their child? What if just one of them had chosen to give
life the little baby growing inside of them? What if, God? What
if?” Then God said, “What if you give life to one of those
babies? What if you, like Mordecai, follow my call to take one in?
To give this baby a life full of worth, importance, a feeling of need
instead of letting them go to waste? Imagine, Jennifer...if I could
save a whole population with a little orphan girl, what could I do
with one of those babies?”
By this
time, I was beginning to note a pattern! I silently told God, “Ok,
I think I get your point!” But God knew there was still more I
needed to understand. You see, my next session was about Deborah, a
judge and political leader in her day. But I honestly can't tell you
much about that session, because as I sat down and my eyes focused on
the words at the top of the study guide, it was almost as if God
read them aloud to me...over and over again until the session was
over. “Now is the time, now is the time, now is the time”.
Rahab
was a harlot, a prositute in her day. She lived in a house that was
built into the wall of Jericho. She watched from her window as
Jehovah God provided for the Israelites, as they made their way to
the Promised Land (her city). She watched as God separated the
waters so they would walk through with the ark of the covenant, and
proclaimed that He is the One true God. As the Israelites neared
Jericho, they sent two spies to check out the land before they tried
to lay siege on it. When the spies arrived, she invited them in her
home and told them they could stay with her. Some officials from
Jericho received word that she was “aiding and abedding” these
spies, so they came to her home. She bravely hid the spies and told
the officials that they had left, and gone off in a different
direction. When the officials had gone, Rahab let the two spies know
it was ok to come out of hiding. She, in a faith she didn't know she
had, asked something of them since she had saved their lives. The
spies told her to hang a red rope from her window. And as long as
her family resided there and the rope didn't move, she and her family
would be saved when Jericho was destroyed. To this day, in the ruins
of the wall of Jericho, there is still a small portion of the wall
that is intact, in comparision with the rest. And Rahab, in her
great faith, is listed in the great “Hall of Faith” in the book
of Hebrews, right alongside Abraham and Isaac and Jacob...as these
great men of God. Acknowledgement of Jehovah God, an unmoving red
rope, and a great faith. “Where is your red rope, Jennifer?”
“Ummm....God, what exactly are you asking?” “Well, you've
acknowleged me and what I've called you to do, you know what that
stone it that's in your way, you know what a difference I can make in
the world with one small child that was thrown out for waste. And
you also know that now is the time. So where's your rope?” “Ok,
God. I'm still not following you.” “Rahab had faith. Rahab
knew that as long as that rope was there, she would be safe.
Jennifer, where is your faith? What are you clinging to? Are you
clinging to Me, or are you still holding tight to yourself? Are you
focused on me completely? Have I gotten your attention, or are you
still too wrapped up in the busyness and circumstances of life? I
need to be your red rope. I need you to cling to me, trust that I
alone am in control.” Whoa! See, a few weeks after we lost our
baby, we decided that we needed to be back around other Christians
for encouragement, so we went back to church. It was a Wednesday
evening, and there were about 35 of us in Bible study. The lesson
was on trials. I thought, “Gee, God. Thanks a lot. I think I
know what trials are by now.” During that lesson, though, I
realized exactly why God had put me through this trial. Earlier I
said that God told me that He would do whatever it took to bring my
focus back to Himself. This night, I learned something greater. It
was stated that often times, “God takes us through trials because
He needs to reveal to us a new facet of Himself that we otherwise
wouldn't see.” And that facet He needed to reveal to me was His
sovereignty and my need to cling to it.
Mary,
the mother of Jesus. She was so young, probably 12 or 13 years old.
Her parents had arranged for her to marry a man named Joseph. We
don't know much about Mary, but we can read between the lines and
assume that she must have come from a pretty upright and Godly
family, as she was well-versed in Old Testament scriptures. As she
was nearing her time to be married, God came to her and told her she
would have a son, and that she would conceive by the power of the
Holy Spirit. Mary, the mother of Jesus. Mary, a young teenage girl.
Mary would be with child. What would Mary do? What could
Mary do? What would Joseph do? What could Joseph do? What
would Mary's parents think? What would Joseph's parents think? What
would Mary's friends think? How would Joseph's friends react? And
my mind kept going back. Going back to high school, to the young
girls that had decided to choose death, over life. Why? The shame,
the embarrassment, the hardship of raising a child, the labels, the
glares and stares, the finger-pointing. And God spoke again. He
said, “You can help them.” All this time I've been thinking of
the little innocent babies with no voice. But then the rewind button
went even further back. You see, when God first laid on my heart the
need to adopt a child from a teenage girl had almost chosen to abort
her child, God had told me that it wasn't just about the baby. That
was about the mom too. The young girl who was embarassed and filled
with shame. The young girl who felt worthless and filled with guilt.
The young girl who was empty and in need of hope. “It's not just
about the baby, Jennifer. You can make a difference in her life
too.”
This
concluded my sixth session of the day, and I still had one more to
attend before the conference would end. I was drained. People
around me kept asking if I was ok, saying I looked exhausted, and I
simply said, “I'm tired.” Deep inside, though, my heart was
tired. My heart had been racing all day trying to keep up with what
God was trying to tell me. I though, “Ok, God. I can make it
through one more session.” Little did I know that God, in His
sovereignty, knew that He had saved the best session for last.
You all
know the story well. Ruth was the daughter-in-law of Naomi. Ruth's
husband, Naomi's son, passed away along with Naomi's husband and
other son, the husband of Orpah. Naomi was bitter and told both of
her daughters-in-law to go back home. Orpah listened, but Ruth
refused. She told Naomi, “Where you go I'll go, where you stay
I'll stay. Your God will be my God, and your people my people.”
Ruth left everything. Ruth could have gone back to the familiar, to
what she was comfortable with, but she didn't. She knew that God had
called her to go with Naomi, and she went without looking back. She
let go of everything from her past. Ruth surrendered. *Sigh* After
a day of listening to God speak to my heart, remind me of the past,
reveal to me the distractions, rehash with me my mistakes and bad
decisions, and relive my consequences, all I could do was sigh. As I
stared in a daze across the room, God left me with one word:
Surrender. And how beautiful that surrender is!
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