Learning to Fall

This morning, I decided (against my will and bad attitude) to venture up to the church and begin the joyous process of vacuuming the family life center.  This has become my Thursday morning bonding ritual with Nate...teaching him how to vacuum and sweep and mop VERY large areas :)  Before we left the house this morning, he was riding around on his motorcycle (a small Little Tykes toy). When I asked him to put it up, he replied, "Mommy, Nate ride motorcycle at church!"  I decided it would keep him occupied, so we loaded into the car, plastic motorcycle and all.

Once at the church, mommy began to vacuum and Nate began to ride his motorcycle.  As I pushed and pulled the vacuum out from under each chair and listened to its somewhat soothing hum, I continued to watch Nate from the corner of my eye.  

Forward...backward....circles....forward....backward...circles...CRASH!!! 

I turned off the vacuum, and asked him if he was ok.  He proceeded to lay there on his tummy, face in the carpet, and didn't answer me.  I leaned down.  "Nate, are you ok?"  Then the carpet began giggling!  "Nate, did you have an accident?"  "No, Mommy!  Nate fall on purpose!" 

*(On a sidenote, we have been working for the past few weeks on the concepts of accidental vs. on purpose, so he knew very well what he was saying when he told me he fell on purpose.) *

He proceeded to get up, dust of his hands, and get back on his motorcycle.  No sooner did I made it back to the vacuum and flip on the power switch, and he did it again....and again....and again, literally THROWING himself off his motorcycle and onto the floor.  I turned off the vacuum again, and asked him what he was doing.  His response?  "Mommy, Nate falling." 

Then it hit me, silly as it may sound.  My two and a half year old son was learning a concept that so many of us never learn...he was teaching himself to fall, with joy!  Wow!  How often do we hit bumps and get thrown off our motorcycle of life, and stand up to joyfully exclaim, "I fall on purpose," and dust it off and do it again?  How often do we take life's bumps and bruises, and proclaim them to be a victory and a joy?  Or, instead, do we whine and moan, get angry with God, and proclaim, "I'm done!  I'm not doing this anymore!  This is TOO hard!" 

I was reminded of the command given in the New Testament book of James, which says that we should, "count it as joy when we face trials of many kinds."  Count it as joy?  That's what my son was doing.  He was teaching himself to fall...and counting it as joy. 

What an amazing lesson to learn!

A Beautiful Surrender

PREFACE:  I have fought with God, alot, about writing this post.  I have wondered how it will be taken, what people will think, if people will take what I have to say the wrong way, if my word choice is correct...but it's time to break through, through a man named Satan, who is putting all these questions and doubts in my mind.  God told me to share my story, so that is exactly what I am going to do.

A Beautiful Surrender

Have you ever experienced a time when your heart was so heavy with something God wanted you to do, but you just couldn't bring yourself to break through what felt like a brick wall, mortared in front of you? Or what if God impressed upon your heart a calling and you, in your not-so-infinite wisdom, decided to take it upon yourself to “change” or “tweak” His directions to “better suit” your circumstances?

I'd like to share with you a lesson I learned this past weekend. I don't mean for this to be selfish, but as I attended a ladies conference at church, I began to hear God speak to me as though I was the target of each and every speaker. Please join me on my journey through seven different women of the Bible, and the words that resounded in my heart as I listened in each session.

Mary-Magdalene had a job to do. Her role was to prepare Jesus' body for burial. She had all the spices and fragrances necessary in her arms as she walked toward the tomb. She was prepared to complete the task assigned to her, but when she arrived at the tomb there was something in her way: a huge stone. This stone was massive, way too large for her to move, but there it was, preventing her from carrying out her job. Then God spoke. “What is your stone? What is it that appears to be standing in your way? What are you using as an excuse for completing the task I have given to you?” See, this is where I am going to have to back up and give you some (ok, maybe a lot) of background information. When I was in high school, God gave me this crazy passion for the girls around me. But not just any ordinary girls; girls who had become pregnant and decided to have abortions. As I finished high school and went through college, my heart began to yearn for these babies...babies who would never have a voice to speak for themselves. After college, I got married, began teaching school, found out we were pregnant ourselves, had a baby, and became a stay-at-home mom. Life was peachy; then God started knocking again. “What about those babies, Jennifer?” “God, now's not the right time. I already have a little baby of my own.” And that was the end. I chose to tune Him out. Then about a little over a year ago, Bobby and I decided it was time to have another child. I remembered God's call, and I began to research adoption. It was there that I found my stone; a stone valued between $10,000 and $35,000! It was also there that I left my stone and walked away, not fully realizing until now that Mary-Magdalene was never asked to move the stone herself. God moved the stone for her.

Mary and Martha were complete opposites. Martha was very orderly, organized, in charge, and extremely Type-A (much like myself!). She had her little checklist and by the end of the day, everything better be checked off! Mary, on the other hand, was more laid-back. She wasn't so concerned with the tidiness of her home, or whether prep-work was completed for dinner. It was very easy for her to stop everything, put it aside, so that she could sit at the feet of Jesus. So Martha whined. “Why isn't she helping me? I have all this work to do and she's just sitting there. Jesus, make her help me!” Jesus answered her, “Martha, Mary has made the better choice.” I have heard this story SO many times growing up in church, and each time it has had the same message to me. But this weekend I heard a different message. This weekend God needed to teach me something different. See, Martha's work wasn't bad. All her planning and preparation wasn't for naught and Jesus wasn't chastising her for cooking dinner and cleaning the house. Jesus was trying to help her understand that all her work became useless, though, when it became a distraction. Her work was good, it was Godly. But Jesus couldn't use it if she took the reigns in her own hands to try to please the Master, instead of focusing on Him and doing what He asked. My, how this hit home. I guess I need to go back again. See, after I did my research on infant adoption, and realized the cost, I turned away again and left it behind me. We continued with our attempts to have another child, and it just wasn't happening. That is when we began to hear all these great things about fostering to adopt or adopting children who were awaiting placement. So I began to research it. As I continued my research, a rush of excitement blew over me! I found out that when adopting through the State of Texas, there are no crazy costs, just all your home inspections and the costs of your final court hearing. “Ok, God! I'm here! I'm listening. You called me to adopt and this is it! We can afford this!” But deep inside, I knew this wasn't THE plan. We contacted an adoption agency, and began filling out all the initial paperwork (application, background checks, etc.). As we completed all of those things, we scheduled our orientation meeting. We had convinced ourselves that this was what God wanted from us! But then things changed. Monday of orientation week, we made a rare discovery. We found out that after close to a year of trying to have another baby, we were pregnant! As a result, we put the adoption papers in a file drawer, and closed it. We decided that we needed to wait. But what we didn't realize (and wouldn't understand for a while) was that God had closed that drawer, because it wasn't ever a drawer He told us to open. See, we took matters into our own hands. We couldn't move that big, heavy, highly expensive stone to follow God's call, and we got distracted. We took our eyes off of Him and decided to “re-write” His plan. We would still be adopting, just not the way He told us to. It was still good, right? At least, that's what I kept telling myself. But then the drawer closed. Actually, it slammed...God slammed it square between my eyes. Maybe not literally, but that's how it felt when I heard the doctor's words, “I'm sorry. I've looked and looked, but I can't find a heartbeat anywhere,” as she shut off the ultrasound machine. Almost 14 weeks pregnant, we went to see our beautiful baby for the first time. We saw our little one's arms and hands, with slight outlines of fingers. We saw the legs and feet, the outline of the head. But in all the beauty, something wasn't there. Life; life was missing. Just as quick as our excitement came just a few months earlier, it vanished into a mass of tears. And as I saw that picture of my baby that I'd never be able to hold and cherish, I thought of all the mom's who decided they didn't want that life inside of them, and took it away. I got angry. I knew this was going to happen...God had tried to tell me for the past two months, but I didn't listen to Him. Why couldn't I have my baby that I wanted with all my heart, yet all these women, old and young, can choose to end the lives of theirs? It hurt with a pain I've never felt before. After a few days passed, God began to tug on my heart. “Why did you think you could do a better job? Why did you think your plans were better than mine? Does that make you any different than those young girls whom your heart used to yearn for?” And let me just say that God hitting you with a 4x4 while you're already angry with Him is a terrible combination. “Jennifer, I called you to do something and you didn't do it.” “Yes, God. We contacted the agency, we filled out the papers, and we set up out first meeting, and you took away my baby!” “Yes, you did. But even though that was a good thing, you got distracted. That wasn't what I asked you to do. You looked around you at the circumstances of life, and you decided to take matters into your own hands. You took your eyes off of me, and I had to do something to bring your focus back.” In the midst of all the “whys,” I learned a valuable lesson I will never forget. See, I realized (though painful as it was) that God needed to wake me up. And He would do whatever it took to return my focus to Himself; His call. Unfortunately, that meant taking away the very thing I wanted the most.

Esther was an incredible woman. She was a young jewish orphan girl when first introduced to us in the Bible. She wasn't wanted, wasn't loved, wasn't needed. But her uncle, Mordecai, was drawn to take her in. Years later, she was called into the king's presence with many other young teenage girls, so he could choose a new queen. Through God's divine plan, Esther was given more attention than the other young women, so much so that the king was without question when choosing his new queen. Esther became queen and Mordecai became the keeper of the gate, a very high responsibility in the kings palace. But there was a man, Haman, who was just above Mordecai in command. And Haman knew a secret, that the king was unaware of. He knew of Mordecai's Jewish origin. As a result of many happenings, Haman had a decree written to have all the Jew's killed, and the king granted it. Then the king was made aware of the Jewish origin of his own wife, Esther. Esther, with insurmountable courage, jumped over obstacles that should have taken her life. But God spared her and allowed her to help save herself and her Jewish people, God's chosen people. Esther, a Jewish orphan. Those words hit me hard. In those days, an orphan was worthless, unimportant, unneeded, and thrown to waste. I began to think of all the little tiny babies; babies that would never see this world because somebody viewed them as worthless, unimportant, unneeded and decided to throw them to waste. God asked me, “What if Mordecai hadn't taken Esther in? What if Mordecai hadn't followed my call on his life to care for his niece? What if, Jennifer? What if?” Then I began to ask God, “What if, God? What if one of those young women back in high school hadn't have aborted their child? What if just one of them had chosen to give life the little baby growing inside of them? What if, God? What if?” Then God said, “What if you give life to one of those babies? What if you, like Mordecai, follow my call to take one in? To give this baby a life full of worth, importance, a feeling of need instead of letting them go to waste? Imagine, Jennifer...if I could save a whole population with a little orphan girl, what could I do with one of those babies?”

By this time, I was beginning to note a pattern! I silently told God, “Ok, I think I get your point!” But God knew there was still more I needed to understand. You see, my next session was about Deborah, a judge and political leader in her day. But I honestly can't tell you much about that session, because as I sat down and my eyes focused on the words at the top of the study guide, it was almost as if God read them aloud to me...over and over again until the session was over. “Now is the time, now is the time, now is the time”.

Rahab was a harlot, a prositute in her day. She lived in a house that was built into the wall of Jericho. She watched from her window as Jehovah God provided for the Israelites, as they made their way to the Promised Land (her city). She watched as God separated the waters so they would walk through with the ark of the covenant, and proclaimed that He is the One true God. As the Israelites neared Jericho, they sent two spies to check out the land before they tried to lay siege on it. When the spies arrived, she invited them in her home and told them they could stay with her. Some officials from Jericho received word that she was “aiding and abedding” these spies, so they came to her home. She bravely hid the spies and told the officials that they had left, and gone off in a different direction. When the officials had gone, Rahab let the two spies know it was ok to come out of hiding. She, in a faith she didn't know she had, asked something of them since she had saved their lives. The spies told her to hang a red rope from her window. And as long as her family resided there and the rope didn't move, she and her family would be saved when Jericho was destroyed. To this day, in the ruins of the wall of Jericho, there is still a small portion of the wall that is intact, in comparision with the rest. And Rahab, in her great faith, is listed in the great “Hall of Faith” in the book of Hebrews, right alongside Abraham and Isaac and Jacob...as these great men of God. Acknowledgement of Jehovah God, an unmoving red rope, and a great faith. “Where is your red rope, Jennifer?” “Ummm....God, what exactly are you asking?” “Well, you've acknowleged me and what I've called you to do, you know what that stone it that's in your way, you know what a difference I can make in the world with one small child that was thrown out for waste. And you also know that now is the time. So where's your rope?” “Ok, God. I'm still not following you.” “Rahab had faith. Rahab knew that as long as that rope was there, she would be safe. Jennifer, where is your faith? What are you clinging to? Are you clinging to Me, or are you still holding tight to yourself? Are you focused on me completely? Have I gotten your attention, or are you still too wrapped up in the busyness and circumstances of life? I need to be your red rope. I need you to cling to me, trust that I alone am in control.” Whoa! See, a few weeks after we lost our baby, we decided that we needed to be back around other Christians for encouragement, so we went back to church. It was a Wednesday evening, and there were about 35 of us in Bible study. The lesson was on trials. I thought, “Gee, God. Thanks a lot. I think I know what trials are by now.” During that lesson, though, I realized exactly why God had put me through this trial. Earlier I said that God told me that He would do whatever it took to bring my focus back to Himself. This night, I learned something greater. It was stated that often times, “God takes us through trials because He needs to reveal to us a new facet of Himself that we otherwise wouldn't see.” And that facet He needed to reveal to me was His sovereignty and my need to cling to it.

Mary, the mother of Jesus. She was so young, probably 12 or 13 years old. Her parents had arranged for her to marry a man named Joseph. We don't know much about Mary, but we can read between the lines and assume that she must have come from a pretty upright and Godly family, as she was well-versed in Old Testament scriptures. As she was nearing her time to be married, God came to her and told her she would have a son, and that she would conceive by the power of the Holy Spirit. Mary, the mother of Jesus. Mary, a young teenage girl. Mary would be with child. What would Mary do? What could Mary do? What would Joseph do? What could Joseph do? What would Mary's parents think? What would Joseph's parents think? What would Mary's friends think? How would Joseph's friends react? And my mind kept going back. Going back to high school, to the young girls that had decided to choose death, over life. Why? The shame, the embarrassment, the hardship of raising a child, the labels, the glares and stares, the finger-pointing. And God spoke again. He said, “You can help them.” All this time I've been thinking of the little innocent babies with no voice. But then the rewind button went even further back. You see, when God first laid on my heart the need to adopt a child from a teenage girl had almost chosen to abort her child, God had told me that it wasn't just about the baby. That was about the mom too. The young girl who was embarassed and filled with shame. The young girl who felt worthless and filled with guilt. The young girl who was empty and in need of hope. “It's not just about the baby, Jennifer. You can make a difference in her life too.”

This concluded my sixth session of the day, and I still had one more to attend before the conference would end. I was drained. People around me kept asking if I was ok, saying I looked exhausted, and I simply said, “I'm tired.” Deep inside, though, my heart was tired. My heart had been racing all day trying to keep up with what God was trying to tell me. I though, “Ok, God. I can make it through one more session.” Little did I know that God, in His sovereignty, knew that He had saved the best session for last.

You all know the story well. Ruth was the daughter-in-law of Naomi. Ruth's husband, Naomi's son, passed away along with Naomi's husband and other son, the husband of Orpah. Naomi was bitter and told both of her daughters-in-law to go back home. Orpah listened, but Ruth refused. She told Naomi, “Where you go I'll go, where you stay I'll stay. Your God will be my God, and your people my people.” Ruth left everything. Ruth could have gone back to the familiar, to what she was comfortable with, but she didn't. She knew that God had called her to go with Naomi, and she went without looking back. She let go of everything from her past. Ruth surrendered. *Sigh* After a day of listening to God speak to my heart, remind me of the past, reveal to me the distractions, rehash with me my mistakes and bad decisions, and relive my consequences, all I could do was sigh. As I stared in a daze across the room, God left me with one word: Surrender. And how beautiful that surrender is!

Welcome!

Since I began staying at home with my son, I have wanted to begin a blog.  I was always too busy, too tired, too boring, and life just seemed too uneventful to share huge chunks of information with the world around me! 

Through the years, God has changed my perspective.  I have decided that God has placed us here, to go through our challenges and times of joy, for a specific reason:  to bring glory to Him.  And if I keep those things to myself, am I really fulfilling that purpose?  Absolutely not!  I have learned that the bridges we cross in life aren't bridges that have never been travelled over before.  And with that being the case, those bridges also aren't bridges that will never be travelled over again.  God, in His sovereignty, allows us the privilege to cross these bridges (yes, even when they are rickety and missing planks and bolts, and are thousands of feet above stormy waters) so that we can later use our experiences to help lead others across that same bridge.

I hope that you will join our family as we encounter new adventures in our life; that you will laugh with us, cry with us, look at us like we're crazy sometimes, pray with us, and be here to help strengthen our faith, as we strive to do the same for you!